I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
Any particular reason you put 2 smashed up limes in my back pocket last night?
how convenient is it that the kid i'm fucking lives right next to planned parenthood?
5 am is for sleeping. Or getting railed on by a stranger. But never for fundraising. Get real.
Fun fact: Antibacterial soap will not take the combined smell of bbq sauce and vagina off your hands.
my co-worker, his best friend who also works with us, an my baby daddy, ive turned love triangle into a retarded shape with to many sides to pronounce
I'm currently day drinking, studying and making corn. Don't tell me what I can't do.
I will accept it in the form of tooth necklace but if you have better ideas I am open to suggestions.
He pushed a skinny white blonde out of the way just to tell me "you have the finest ass, like ever."
I have never loved a nerdy white boy this much.
Did you survive the Atlanta roadway snowpocalypse?
All the bars are closed. Might as well be dead.
YAS. BRING CRAB.
Masturbating with Lord of the Rings on was not how I planned my afternoon going but here I am.
Just in case you blacked out, we had sex, you came in me, we need plan B, we fell off your top bunk, broke your roommates chair, i still like you, but i'm in pain and am going to bed
If you had a good reason for throwing the toaster at the wall, now's a good time to tell someone. My parents are on their way back and you know my dad and his pop tarts.
Could’ve gone my whole life not seeing a man snort coke off another man’s cock... but there it is...
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