he asked me to eat out his asshole. after five minutes of uncomfortable staring i realized he was serious.
How are you going to be there by 9am?
Relax I always go to these conferences hung over
You say that like it's a positive quality
The bar I'm at just passed out smores to everyone. I don't know what it has to do with cinco de mayo but I'm down.
its a vaginal recession for me, ill take what i can get
Just found my shirt from Saturday, got an automatic contact buzz.
Spent the entire ride home from downtown trying to convince designated dawgs to drop us off at waffle house instead of our apartment. i told them it was my house...they didn't buy it.
he's measuring my pool to see how much jello powder he needs. He got paid today.
thanks for the bloody nose. you probably dont remember, i'm not mad.. only because your boobs are to blame
I just want to see him this morning so I can bask in my wasted accomplishment.
Yea there's blood all over the porch but we wont have to buy alcohol for the rest of the week
I sleep texted my mom and asked her for a condom last night
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
I'm listening to Michael Jackson while drinking vodka, alone. Honestly, l wish I could Moonwalk my way back to when I knew wtf was going on in my life.
So were driving two hours to go to a club and Charles packed me a sippy cup full of tequila. He thinks of everything!
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
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