Do you think an esthetician would be willing to wax the Chanel Cs into my crotch? That way, whenever a guy gets ready to pound on it I can go "Careful, it's Chanel."
apparently when i got back to tyler's i layed face down on the bed and yelled "don't hurt my asshole!"
I climb out of my sunroof. I mean its kind of embarrassing but part of me feels awesome and ninja like.
sometimes when i'm walking through campus i wonder how many of these people have seen me puke
Planet Earth isn't gonna get stoned and watch itself.
are you looking for your table cloth? Cause I found it around my neck this morning...
I made her dinner: Beefaroni with grated parmesan cheese on top. Luckily she showed up drunk and gave me head, "For spending so much time preparing."
i refuse to live in a world where loud threesomes in your own apartment are referred to as "rude"
did you yell "are you not entertained?"
The words "my birth control fell out" should never be spoken
She just landed. Popped over for a BJ and left. I'm a fan of layover layovers.
She has a boyfriend. But if he's a decent human being he understands blowjobs don't count as cheating with her. Keeping those miracles to himself is a crime against humanity.
EVERYONE IS SPEAKING SPANISH. I ONLY KNOW HOLA.
Worrying about "What smells like cat pee?" is so much easier than worrying about "What am I doing with my life?"
Despite popular belief cocaine is not a good pre-workout
Kinda hard to look your partner in the face the day after a rousing game of How Many Ways Can I Capture Your Penis.