Even if you were sober, spitters are STILL quitters, end of story.
Now there are nude photos of that bangin hot Russian spy chick...this is officially the best scandal ever.
in hindsight, the duct tape banana hammock was a bad idea.
Some guy is walking around the bar with his dick out. Health code violation?
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He recognized me by my ass from about 15 yards away. I must have a REALLY nice ass.
You had me at "mimosas" several texts ago.
She pulled vodka outta the dryer and told me to drink it
He also gave me two gold stars for sex. On my nipples.
I drank toilet water last night, I can't answer you because my phone is in rice.
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Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... Men can be so sensitive...
He told me to prepare for his "Jurassic cock" and I had to leave the room from laughing.
There is someone out there for you right now. And we will find her. Or him. Her. Her, we'll start with tits.
he fell asleep naked and all I'm doing is staring at his weird balls
Two of my roommates are waxing their vaginas in the living room. Can I come smoke?
Ever since I got to LA my dream self has been having sex with way too many rabbi's.