I have way too many pictures of poop on my phone
I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
Drinking mikes hard & watching the swan princess. i fucking LOVE college
Just so we're clear. I'm still making jello shots and bringing them to the bar in my purse. I don't care if its half off margaritas. Don't want anyone thirsty
Whoever put the picture of my dad in the condom box is an asshole
Here's the level of my committment: I'm not participating in the Olympic opening ceremonies drinking game. THIS IS SERIOUS.
omg i just made best friends with a deer. Im like the drunk santa clause.
Oh fuck, I messaged a Jack Kerouac poem to a girl I'm trying to sleep with last night at 4am.
Oh jesus...leave it to you to hit on not one but two guys who can't fuck you till marriage.
If you're wondering about the mess, we had sex in the kitchen. There was noodles involved.
I don't remember much, but I remember he called me the dick whisperer, so it must not have been all bad.
if i ever get to the point where i am moaning when i pee, please do the honorable thing and kill me.
Nothing like a near-death experience to start off your Thanksgiving...
Dude I had sex with her and she STILL thinks I'm gay. I don't know what else to do.
But being sober is boring. Everything takes so long, I feel like I'm just waiting in line to die.
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