You don't need id to drink rum in an alley.
a guy in a toll booth on I-90 told me to fuck off for not being a red sox fan. i am going to miss massachusetts very much.
Come put a leash on your gf. She just challenged 8 cops to a wrestling match for 'tag team champion of the world'
like in an apt above a crackhead. A LEGIT CRACKHEAD. he woke me up every morning this week asking me if I wanted to buy a mini fridge and some CDs. at 5 am. EVERY DAY.
This is so pathetic it makes me miss snorting lines alone in my room listening to 'one more drink'.
Like that girl needs to get her shit together. For her vagina's sake.
you started introducing us as kentucky and gentlemen
Scratch that. Good bye liver, good bye clothes, good bye dignity. Hello awesome weekend
Went to the wedding reception, and he left with ALL of the brides maids phone numbers. I don't know how he does it either.
I accidentally KO'd a baby in the airport. Thought you should know.
When we were eating pie last night, I dropped some, and not only did you not judge me for far surpassing the 5 second rule, you let me use your foot to sock mop with. You're a good friend.
I'm just gonna yell "SURPRISE ME" and see what happens. No way this could go wrong
Omg, those nutella cakes are heavenly, like licking the nipples of a muscular black Jesus.
My parents woke me up at noon to tell me my maid had found my clothes strewn all over the neighborhood
I was gonna turn him down, but he correctly identified a song from Pocahontas.
Randomize
