Ask him about the girl he took home Saturday night. I swear she voted for Kennedy.
I found his backpack for the weekend. All it had was ping pong balls, mardi gras beads, and Tums.
I can always make him wear a mask... I'll tell him it's a fetish.
There's just something about a dollar tree pregnancy test that screams THIS WASNT PLANNED!
All I can see in the pic you sent is white shorts...
Thas my pasnts in colleg! Tehy glow! AND SMELL LIKE BEER!
New level of stoned. My Terry's Chocolate Orange didn't 'whack-and-unwrap' so I ate it like an apple.
Dude, I need a lifestyle change. I'm to old to be making out with chicks in foam parties, letting older chicks get all excited because I let them put their hands up my shirt, and running around doing scavenger hunts with 18 yr old chicks.
Dude I just came exactly at the crescendo of the Catalina wine mixer duet from step brothers.. Advance to next level.
Oh. My. God. You texted my mom "IM BACK BITCHES!"
Listen man, there's two things I know about in life: porn and sound. On a day that I'm wearing khakis, I need you to trust that I know what the fuck I'm doing.
Well the streak is over, I saw a penis today
Masturbated furiously for a half hour; ate a fistful of chocolate, then took a nap. Woke up and finished wrapping presents. I've got this holiday thing down.
I'm sorry I've been mean recently but tbh it really turns me on seeing you cry so it might happen a lot..... You're a pretty crier I don't get it
His name was toto. That should have been my red flag
He was passed out, face in the toilet, so I just pissed on his head. Serves him right
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