I never thought that I'd ever use the phrase "and the resulting ice cream explosion" seriously at work...
i think she is mad at you for trying to take a shit in the back seat of her car
Watching intervention at a bar. Who let this happen??
Haha so I huess that means he's a little over 7. I can use my throat as a ruler!!
One less school supply you need to buy!!
there is a dude in the bar with no arms getting fed beers by his friends
Ya, found out why there were rat traps in my bed. Guess I pissed in Sams room so he went to the store and got them and put them on my bed and put tabasco in his humidifier and put it in my room
It turns out tequila bombs is really code for straight shots of tequila…who would have guessed?
They just keep looking funny at me. No one has attempted to tell me that I don't make sense though so maybe they're all way more high than I am.
Literally just inhaled three cinnamon rolls. Sara is staring. It was inhuman
I would do everything over again, except the fireball.
I just quoted part of the Pokemon theme song in a sext... And it worked
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
sober me is not impressed with the quality of people that drunk me gives our phone number to
I just found out how I got home last night. The bartenders found me sitting in the brush peeing and called me a cab. Have you seen my underwear?
When have you ever know me to go too far?
Besides the alcoholism, the HR issues, and getting fired from Best Buy for tackling a display?
Yeah. Besides those.
Randomize
