the only difference between me and a prostitute was that i complained a lot more.
were with a gay guy with a minnesota accent. think about how funny that sounds.
im proctoring the SATs right now and im still drunk from last night. i really wanna tell these kids that this fucking test doest mean shit and they will just be constantly drunk once in college.
im not going to any frat parties next semester. for once i want them to think its actually hard to get in my vagina
Yeah. I don't think I have anything left in me tho. I think I was throwing up tangible memories at one point.
Man, I want to make his penis a sandwich.
My aunt comes over, haven't seen her in 4 years. First thing, looks me up and down and goes "...yup, that pair ripened nicely. Theyll get you some free drinks"
I think you were raised by the wrong sister
well it can jab him in the chin so I am 100% sure he can suck his own dick
Do not tell guys at bars about kittens you rescue. They will walk away.
I've decided to take one for the team and bang the landlady for lower rent.
Yeah you were fine except for when you peed under the bar
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
I woke up with glitter and eggshells in my bed wtf
I'm not drunk or hungover and I don't have to work. My body is sooo confused!
I swear my vagina needs to be taken away from me when I drink.
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