Are you dead
Yes
Oh man
Someone fed me too many chicken nuggets and sexed me too hard
I wish they made sweatshirts for legs
you mean pants?
Should I shave my pubes in the shape of a top hat so I can nickname my junk Abe Lincoln?
Vodka + horseback riding = vomit in the saddle bags
just let her blow you already, it's practically animal cruelty at this point.
If I weren't her cousin I'd take advantage of her and this low point in her life.
After much deliberatipn and vodka, my favourite phrase of Christmas 2012 is "penis of last resort"
I don't know if I want context or not...
Context involves faux incest and champagne. Id go into detail but im on shot number 5.
I have to date her we need a place to stay for tailgating
And it was in that moment when I realized that these high schoolers looked up to me and that I should set a good example. So I stole a casserole and left.
You were discovered in a bush, smoking, and singing "in the jungle" to yourself. Which explains the scratches, but not the orange paint.
Holy shit, I just successfully took and sent a boob pic AT MY DESK I have conquered an entire new level of skill.
His crazy is a thing to be cherished
My tinder date had to be home by 8:30 cause she's on house arrest.
You were supposed to catch herpes, not feelings!!!
It's weird having sex with someone you actually like
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