Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
I'm someone's dream girl. I'm hungover in this guy's bed wearing ONLY a Brian Westbrook jersey. Not the same I was on a date with last night.
I blacked out after the shots of canned lobster bisque.
we used a swiffer mop as a stripper pole.
The highlight of my night was definitely explaining the bandaid on my nipple.
You're about to fuck a guy with a sweatshirt tied around his waist like a mensurating 13 year old. Get your priorities straight, you're graduating tomorrow.
Fuck a-yeah! I just found a wine key. Let 'Don't Fuck With Me Friday' commence.
You started drinking at 2:30, did you really think you would be able to remember?
I don't think you should be sorry for such memorable sex that I yell your name when you aren't around.
I woke up today in my boxers hugging a log and realized that I think I've gotten close enough to nature. I really need to stop doing shrooms with you
Last night I dreamt that I sold my car and used the money to have wheels surgically implanted in my feet and legs so I became a human heely and I just rolled everywhere
So please don't worry, but I need some help getting blood out of my drywall so I can get my security deposit back. I would not ask if the need was not great.
Just did. I played that shit out so casual I deserve an Oscar. Or am Emmy, or whatever the fuck you get for acting like a boss
If I had a dollar for every functioning brain cell you had I would owe someone a lot of money
You know he wants it bad when he starts going door to door for condoms.
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