i feel like im doing the pre-walk of shame..like every car that drives by is like, ooooo look at that girl, in that itty bitty dress, yep shes about to get her skank on tonight...
The lawn was on fire, but I fixed it.
You were peeing on yourself thinking it was the sprinkler in your yard
So I'm probably the first guy in history to tap out of a blowjob.
I don`t remember Saturday, actually
Its ok, i dont remember 2007
It's not my fault. Someone keeps buying me tequila shots. Idk who. But every time I look down there's another. I think there's a conspiracy.
There needs to be waaaay more alcohol in my apartment if I am going to survive being unemployed
Seriously, you can't give someone's wife an orgasm on the dance floor of a gay nightclub and then hang out with her husband the following week
Unlike bears, this weekend is not the #1 threat to America. It is, however, the #1 threat to my liver
If you come home and I'm pantsless with cake smeared all over my face, I'm sorry.
Sex on acid. Try it. I thought we were fucking in outer space with fireworks inside a rocketship car. Best.
WHY THE FUCK DID I HAVE TO FALL IN LOVE WITH A CONVICT
STOP PUTTING BUTTER ON MY FUCKING CAT
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
just passed a kid drinking a beer at 2pm. clearly it's the last day of break.
Randomize
