Mom and Dad are dead. Trust fund
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
i'm pretty sure they aren't charging me for that window i broke with a turkey sandwich while i was hammered.
Just casually ripping a bowl in the chicken coop, with the chickens. NBD
She had a tattoo on her pelvis that said "it's cock-o-clock" an had clocks and hot dogs exploding away from it. I'd like to tell you it was deal breaker buuuuuuut.......
He asked if I had feelings for him while I was lying naked on the floor vomiting into a trashcan as he held my hair and fed me Pringles.
We found him. He was passed out in a McDonalds booth with at least 6 big Mac wrappers. The employee said he kept yelling that he was in America and had the freedom to have big macs. Fucking Italians...
And the next morning he asked me why I had clothes on so I said so that he could take them off again.
and Katie got too high with the tow truck driver and wants to go home
I just hip-checked Santa and stole his cab.
Can I put tequila in the fish bowl? I think he wants to party too
The night they met I slept with both of them. Of course I'm best man.
9 am booty call on your ex's birthday. Fuck yea
I woke up at her place in a kids bed hearing Sesame Street. She doesn't have kids!
Bro, it was an EPIC night once again last night. I’m so sorry that you saw me naked.
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