If I remember correctly, I may have been smoking a cigarette on the dance floor. This is the true sign of a douchebag in his native habitat...fmylife
I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
there was already a condom in her . . and it was bigger than me
I just saw a fat chick walking across campus talking to herself and licking her lips. Diet season is scary.
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
We learned a lot about one another. I showed him around the town I grew up in and he informed me that he has had a threesome and killed a cat
It was my penance. God came down to me in the form of an angel and said, "you must atone for your sins, by puking in your mouth at church right before communion"
he said verbatim, he wants to "bang you hard".
No she left bc the of pic I have of my mom in my bathroom. She thought it was my gf
Why the hell do you have a picture of YOUR MOM in your bathroom?!?!
I mean it's like...I'm sorry I slept with your boyfriend but is it my fault that he failed to mention you when I was giving him head in the Dave and Busters bathroom?
There is so much wrong with that sentence
Yeah there really shouldn't be a bar at D&B's...shit gets real
Im having a st. Get way fucked till i speak Irish pre game party. Bring a compass cause we are about to get lost
What was my myspace song when I went away to rehab?
Did I tell you he put a lobster carcass on his dick?
Well, I was giving him a handy and I sighed in boredom. He heard. I had to fake moaning sounds after he asked if I sighed.
In case you're wondering... Yes walmart will judge you for buying vodka and pickles at 645am.
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