the sham wow guy got arrested for beating up a hooker.
I judge my drunkenness on my brickbreaker playing skills. I'm winning. Suck it.
watching jon and kate + 8 right now is like watching my parents split up
So I gave him a handjob and now we aren't friends anymore
You're at Notre Dame. What did you expect?
Just realized the fur coat I am wearing to the wedding is the one I had sex with the groom in
All I want to do is fuck in the bell tower before it leave this school. Is that too much to ask?
Note to self... Do not stick your head in a can of paint and try to paint the walls green with your hair
There's a very drunk Asian strawberry shortcake crying on the curb next to my truck. I'm not really sure what standard protocol is for this situation.
Got drunk and passed out flintstone vitamins to everyone at the bar. I'm just so god damn motherly
i just added a shot of fireball to my iced coffee. goodbye sobriety.
I just put vodka in my apple sauce. Spice up your fucking life.
Did I send you a drunk selfie with a pine tree last night?
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
I'm in my math teacher's garage hiding right now because I fucked his son last night. It's fine
Sometimes I wish I could tell all my past/present hookups what the nicknames that my friends and I have assigned them.
Randomize
