Do you remember getting into a Delorean last night?
so i woke up with ketchup and a sticky boob on my face...this is a new low
I forgot to tell you. I'm at a porno shoot today.
new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
she said she didn't want to sleep with me again because I wasnt a generous lover. I ignored her slight moustache, didnt i? i think thats pretty damn generous
They are providing beer and having a margarita machine. This cannot be passed up.
Just got my cast off. My occupational therapist wants me to self-gratify. My clit is about to have an awesome weekend...
I hope the walls stop moving before my manager notices that i'm still drunk.
when you're a senior and the freshman guy you wake up next to asks who you are, you DO NOT give him your real name.
I think my favorite day of the week is the day we get to fuck
She sent me nudes via email. What the fuck are we still in the 90s? Grow up
At the bar in my pajamas again
Ummm that is the 3rd time this week and it is Wednesday
so like
i may have gotten a little bit of blood in the charging port of my phone
How do I say “I have great tits” without it sounding awful
Sorry I missed your birthday party. I caught a dick and rode it to O-Town
Randomize
