My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
Woke up wearing just a scarf, the holidays are definetly here
And then he said "my dick isn't hard enough and your tits aren't big enough for this to work"
You never realize how many sex toys you have until you have to strategically hide them while moving out of your dorm.
he's like a stage 5 clinger and he won't even fuck me. he has to be gay. my personality isn't really THAT great.
Aaaaand that would be the most of my hand I've ever fit into a vagina before.
I pulled some girls weeve trying to pull the stop cord on the bus
Breathalizer & tazer party did not go as casually as expected.
Brian got his first ever blow job last night. We should make him a scrapbook.
You aren't going to like my movie choice because it's a Disney movie, but I am cordially inviting you to the couch for blowjobs.
I need to stop acting like a drunk bitch. People are going to get the right idea about me...
I met a guy last night who bought me a book on Amazon at the bar and then we had sex. Boners for books is a thing. Boom.
When you wear a dress that resembles the shape and color of Kirby to a wedding, you get the attention you deserve.
She came into the salon and said, "Don't judge me. Yes that's cum in my hair and I want a shampoo, cut and style."
I got caught throwing up in my daughters princess potty... On the bright side it played a rewarding tune afterwards.
Randomize
