I think I just made patron unclassy I bought limes at a gas station and for salt we are using gas station packets of salt
I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
He asked if I was on the pill, apparently I just downed my glass of beer and winked at him...
After skinny dipping in your pond, I think me and tequila have added a whole new dynamic to our relationship.
Dude that musta been some handjob last night. The sound of her pandora bracelet kept waking me up
Grandma just handed out bail money... it's officially christmas
I slept with someone shorter than me. My vagina weeps.
You fool.
I don't deserve a penis
There is no sno cone on earth better than alone naked time. Side note: text when you all are headed home.
I thought i didnt really feel whatever i snorted last night until i just realized i think i asked this dude to punch me fight club style
You continued to run around saying "free the nipple" while "taste testing" every liquor on the premises.
Hey, you can never be fully sure you're straight until you jerk off to gay porn
It's all part of my master plan: have him buy me all I can eat pizza and all I can drink beer AND THEN tell him there was no spark and we're better off as friends.
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
we were all too drunk to realize that the cat wasnt yours
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