so i think im going to actually use my calories on food today instead of beer.
I just walked by that girl who tried to commit suicide over me in high school. That was weird.
with all this snow coming, and no school, I figure why not try every possible liquor snowcone.
Ive decided I'm sending thank you notes to all the bars for graduation.
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
Like if there was an award for best way to take a girls virginity, he would get a standing ovation. And first prize. Probably a bunch of roses too. That good.
i just looked in the mirror i look like i'm about to film a PSA about prostitution
I woke up and he was starring at me and then said "do you believe in miracles"?
If I get laid dressed as one of the McPoyle twins, I deserve all the medals.
Pants off. Spirits lifted.
I just wanted to be the best at what I did even if that included sexing a whole fraternity or sorority ya know?
I just want to have sex that doesn't end like a B-rated horror movie.
i'm high and self actualising, please send help
If you're gonna show up unannounced on hangover day, you better have coffee doughnuts and a boner
You and I both know it takes more than prescription narcotics to keep our family down. See you around ten, brother.
Randomize
