he poured tabasco sauce in my vag.. I'm still having a hard time going to the bathroom.
My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
two words: eviction party
Hey so summary of last night. I threw up in a rain boot then tipped it over on my bed, did my laundry and passed the fuck out. I feel like I didn't see you.
He was making tequila spiked Arnold Palmers and murmuring things in Spanish.
I love foreign exchange students.
How did you get a free t-shirt at the strip club?
I was attacked by whores
You threw up on yourself again didn't you?
They were strong whores
i feel like my tongue has its own mouth, and that mouth just bit its tongue and is clenching its teeth.
So hungover. I'm getting too old for trolloping around in disco shorts going shot for shot with well behaved underclassmen in an effort to lure them to the dark side of alcoholism and liver failure.
so apparently last weekend we taught the mascot how to shotgun beers. am i winning college yet?
You can't say "my boobs are wonderful" and not expect my drunken subconscious to focus on wanting to see them. Btw-can I see them?
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
YOUR TO-DO SEX LIST CANNOT CONSIST ENTIRELY OF MY THREE BEST FRIENDS
and their significant others
AND THEIR SIGNIFICANT OTHERS
About to go make a man out of a 24 year old boy
As I shove my ninth taquito of the day into my mouth...
Picking our battles
all i remember is arguing with the chick that yahoo was better than google
all you were doing was yelling YAHOOOOO in her face
so i won
I feel like the physical embodiment of the pot leaf eyes smiley face
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