Um....I woke up to a lipgloss covered bottle of Jack daniels in my arms..
You've kissed worse.
i'm only drinking out of pineapples from now on.
when i got to my bed there was a handwritten note that said "wash the sheets." sleeping on the couch.
some guy just got out of his chair quietly. Laid down on the floor and is now asleep in between rows in my lecture hall. He must have had a rough night.
While my grandpa showed the family a slide show he accidentally included a topless photo of his new gf.
Please stop bringing your one night stands to Sunday brunch.
Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
He did the "not my house dance." Apparently it involves spreading cereal on the floor and then grinding into the carpet in bare feet while singing "not my house" over and over and dancing.
Cute boy and deffffff wearing a HS shirt. I am getting too old to be inaccurate.
Please come over, I'm slowly melting into a ball of sexual frustration. If I'm not dead by the end of the day be very surprised.
I'm surprised, it's been so long you must be starving
At a certain point, the zombie-like hunger goes away. Then the sadness sets in. Then you start lying to yourself that you're taking some "me time." Then you remember you dodged chlamydia and Buddha knows what else. Then you're at peace with it.
Like you know your sex life is in a downward spiral when your best friend offers to sext you from Ireland
MY HAND WILL BE UP HIS ASS IF HE DOES NOT APOLOGIZE FOR WHAT HE DID. IT WON'T BE THE GOOD-FEELING KIND OF "HAND-UP-ASS" EITHER.
we thought it would be safer to lock you in the car alone downtown than take you back home to pass out
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