Condoms? Check. Glitter? Check. Fuck me pumps? Double check. Dignity? No where to be found. I'm about to homewreck the shit out of that dumb bitch.
I've been meaning to talk to you about your lack of self-respect these days and the toll it's taking on your vagina.
he just sent me a friend request on facebook. i wish it were physically possible to vomit on him through the internet.
Turned the water balloon filler into a jungle juice fire extinguisher. Please call me tomorrow afternoon and make sure that i'm still alive.
Wow way to turn my death into an oppurtunity to get laid
My pupils are so HUGE you can see into my soul from 2 miles away
And I just want to be like your tongue is not a FUCKING sword
Really? I thought your parents stopped loving you when you drunkenly fell through the ceiling...
You were laying in a hotel bed drinking beer from a straw while you demanded everyone to kiss your foot tattoo.
there is a spider sitting on top of my weed like he owns it or some shit
no but seriously tf do i do? i have that spider phobia but i think my lvoe of the weed overpowers it
I woke up hugging my purse and I found a business card in my underwear. How?
I ask for a dick pic and he sends a picture of Dick Cheney. Who does that?
Ick. That's not even the fun kind of punishment.
They were so sore! Either I have bed bugs or you were biting my nipples last night and don't lie to me.
I cannot, in good conscience, let you talk to a guy who wears Chaps and a knit beanie
A guy caught me talking to a sock today in the Laundry room if it makes you feel any better
Sadly that does. Why...where you talking to a sock
Bc I didn't know him and I asked him where he came from and why he was hanging out with my thongs
Randomize
