You guys sftrill at mcdondalds?!!!!
Yes.
fuckin bring me a cheseburgeria
i also saw a trio of peacocks walking along a sidewalk in hollywood today. i really hope im not tripping.
You know, it's scary to think that someday I might buy a pregnancy test with pride, not at 2am...
You're the only person i know who can laugh and talk while puking
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
He got me an interview at his law firm and his boss asked him what he had to say about me. His response "He dates CRAZY bitches."
I sent him a naked picture of me with the caption "I lost at beer pong, this was a dare. Hope your nights going as good as mine" I've never talked to him in my life, this is a strange way to start.
I think I just sold a snake to a stoned teenager.
I'm using my breathalyzer result sheet as a coaster for my 40.
I went through my entire iTunes library and made a playlist called "Feelings". I have 7.5 hours of feelings.
If anybody had to puke on my shoes, I'm glad it was you.
I'm still, like... really stoked about not having any STDs
I told him I had the birth control implant in my arm and he looked me in the eyes, said "Science!" and came in me
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
It's official, I'm not staying in tonight
What caused that decision?
You only live once
Randomize
