1:57 a.m. Where did you go???
1:58 a.m. What are you doing? I want to go home with you, why aren't you responding?
2:11 a.m. Heading back to your place now, will you let me in?
Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
We were doing it doggy style, and I puked on the floor and started crying, he told me it was okay his cat would eat it... and if it would make me feel better we could do anal...
And they lived happily ever after....
I'm in the line at the airport trying not to vomit on the person in front of me. Happy Tuesday.
there was a fucking fire juggler. but it was ok bc i was in the kiddie pool and it was the safe zone
I told the bartender that he could give me back the tip I gave him if he outsmarted me in a battle of wits. He has yet to challenge me.
You were sitting in the tub, clothed, squirting my KY all over yourself. You said "it's warm." then passed out.
Dude. I'm super jealous I'm not there. Plus I look really pretty tonight, I'm wearing my long blue dress, I have long blonde hair, and I'm just sitting here hitting Larry the Long Bong. I'll pretend like your 3 spirits are floating in my smoke. Fuck.
The brazilian leg lock that the stripper put me in was definitely the highlight of the night
How early is too early for a booty call on a Monday night?
I think I accidentally invented a religion.
Write this down so you can tell me in the morning. "That bartender needs to be in my mouth."
just saw two eagle scouts making out in chic-fil-a
The thing about online classes is the prof can't tell this mug is full of beer.
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