I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
bars should really give you discounts for bringing your own shot glass
Either you made a spaghetti vodka smoothie last night, or you puked in the blender.
i wanna pet his head its so fluffy. were gonna open a petting zoo
They have chocolate covered tequila candy at work. This is not a drill. May be drunk by noon.
Seriously just confirmed via our bathroom scale that a keg weighs 170lbs
I just held a marble with my kegel muscles for 5 min. You may call me COCKCLAMP 9000!!!!
An image of us stuck like that like Pompeii comes to mind. A wonder for future anthropologists
Jesus, I just want to drink. Also simultaneously punch things and rub my vagina on them.
Yeah when we were together he never sent me dick pics like a normal boyfriend. It was always pizzas. That should've been my sign.
I woke up naked buried in snacks. Best night ever.
Got a high five from a Superman stripper tonight
Tip: never mention Guy Fieri during sex
i dont believe you. i want proof. if you end up at a hospital send me a pic.
“On a break” is implied when it’s a Russian chick dressed as Black Widow wearing Minnie Mouse ears
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