You look just like Jennifer Aniston on food.
It's like, I'm the official vagina for that DJ group
Also I smoked away my sore throat last night. It's a 420 miracle.
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
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We broke into the space center. If i go to jail I wanted to tell you, you have a fantastic dick. Use it wisely.
I had him autograph the condom wrapper.
And by go well you mean everyone's hammered right?
Yupp. And someone's bleeding
I just ate 6 cheeseburgers with some homeless guy. Pretty epic.
when i got home she was standing in my front yard not wearing a shirt and halfway crying/ halfway laughing
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Did you or did you not grab my boob while I was making out with the foreign kid?
I feel like it should at least be like a "hey look I'm actually fine that I drunkenly gave you my virginity!" friend request.
New guy moved in the apartment next door. He's a combat vet, 6'4", Adonis body and going to med school. My vagina is chewing thru the wall as we speak.
I think we have some hyper-understanding of each other when drunk, because looking back at our text convo from last night, they were literally just jumbled letters.
I can handle him. I'm made of spite and hot wings.
My ex's sister asked me to be her date to Thanksgiving. Should I go?
Threesome!
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