just tell him he has love handles, he'll die of insecurity
I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
She actually asked me 'is it in yet?' I deleted the vid.
Those 2 guys from the sonic commercial will be virgins for life.
I just had the ultimate walk of shame. I'm barefoot, in his gym short with vomit in my hair and I walked half a mile through campus. At noon. Thanks for picking up ur phone
He had a stripper pole in his bedroom. I didn't know whether to be impressed or creeped out.
Im sick of reading dumb tattoos while having sex
Just got the test results back. All clean, Now whose an idiot for going bareback in South America for 3 months straight.
Since when does sleeping with your RA not result in free meal swipes? I feel so tricked...
You know it's been a while when you're having to resort to positive conditioning to get women
Yuck. My throat feels like someone chucked a couple of Maltov cocktails down it and finished it off with a super soaker filled with Jameson.
2 things: 1) can you get hep from toilet water? And 2) do you know where we can get a new skillet for cheap?
Please tell me those aren't related.
I made rice.
This is the third year in a row that Mario has fallen through a table on New Years. I'm sensing a tradition developing.
Okay. So did I kiss you last night? I know that I made out with someone. Or a few someones. But I'm pretty sure that I made out with you. Was that real life?
Sitting in the dr office she literally looked at my throat and goes have you been having oral intercourse
Randomize
