i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
last night this guy was hitting on me by showing me the famous people he had in his contacts on his cell... when he asked me if i knew lindsay lohan, i said "whose that? sounds asian"
all I heard when I woke up this morning was "BONG HITS FOR BREAKFAST" being yelled repeatedly.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I know I should be focused on nurturing their bright little minds but it's 10 a.m. and I need a cock in my mouth
Yours weakened by children. Mine weakened by a forearm sized cock for 8 years.
Why am I wearing a dog collar
Only way we could keep you from running in to traffic.
I have good news and bad news. Bad news, she's not in porn. Good news, I found porn.
They had to take me to the ER because I got a concussion in a parking garage. Not partying with lesbians for a while
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He lit a candle for the mood and ended up lighting my hair on fire while we were hooking up...moodkiller
How hard do you think it would be to make a drinking game out of a Slip-N-Slide? Asking for a friend.
There's a potato with a bite taken out of it in the kitchen
I woke up with my converse still on and a plate of pasta next to my face, if that gives you any indication of how my night went
Tequila shots and throwing it at a bell.
This is dumb. I'll keep doing it.
The only food I have to eat is weed gummies and magic mushrooms... This is peak 34
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