Three words: puerto rican gang bang
I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
Just found a hundred dollar bill on the ground. Hope you're looking to drink tonight
I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
In retrospect, getting to second base BEFORE anal wouldve been a good idea
It's national boyfriend day supposedly, would it be appropriate if I posted a picture of my dildo?
And I also succeeded in getting kicked out of a bar when I was drinking straight from the vodka bottle at our table.
Neat. I'm thinking about growing a handlebar muffstache. What are your thoughts on this?
Can I just lay in bed and you pour vodka through a funnel in my mouth?
either he just commented on my nose ring or he's offering me cocaine, I honestly can't tell
So...I was fapping and during it, I got an Amber Alert notification...that's just bad timing.
The last time I was on vacation the pandemic blew up. Can't wait to see how my vacation fucks up the world this time.
I thought it was your cat but I was wrong your Roomba is possessed by a pissed-off evil spirit.
Randomize
