tell her no need for introductions. and that you've read about her on the back of toilet doors.
oh. my. god. the guy i hooked up with last night is currently wearing a dress.
bro...we were banging on her floor and her dog walked in and started licking my balls
I found it funny that her boobs actually kinda felt like a bag of sand. the 40 year old virgin should feel better about himself.
When you get home we need to compare our schedules and set up masturbation slots. I'm scares of you walking in on me. Again.
Can you bring me a pair of sunglasses to the bathroom please... Don't judge me.
At home depot. Final room inspection is tmrow, gotta paint over the puke stains
You left me with no money to have random Chicago sex. The least you can do is pick me up an egg mcmuffin on your walk of shame back to the hotel.
If you're wondering where your left shoe is you lost it in a bet with a homeless guy last night
just filed my taxes drunk as balls. i may be going to jail.
how did operation slutty penguin go?
pretty epic. there was a guy who was also dressed as a penguin. i asked him if he would keep my eggs warm while i went fishing for the winter
I'm still waiting for God to smite you for impersonating a decent human being.
i could only love him more if he was covered in glitter.
roommate singing save a horse ride a cowboy wearing a cowboy hat a bikini and jeans while humping the couch.
None of what you just said was coherent
I just bought wine at a gas station what the hell do you expect
Randomize
