The difference between what I would do for a regular Klondike bar and an Oreo flavored Klondike bar is astounding
It's alarming how good I'm getting at being productive at work on Thursday after Johnny Walker Wednesdays.
you had "tips for anal sex" in your google search history this morning. how was your sunday night?
I just found him singing into an empty paper towel roll while microwaving an empty ice cream carton. I'm gonna run away now.
I prob couldn't even get his attention if I had a dick growing out of my forehead
I think my vagina was keeping me fat all these years out of self preservation. It's like she knew what would happen if I lost the weight.
how thoroughly do i need to sanitize the cone the vet put around my dog's neck for it to be safe to use as a beer bong?
There are work activities and non work activities and dunking my head in a bucket of ice water pulling it out and shotguning a beer is certainly not a work activity
last nights episode of shot friends brought to you by polish vodka and flamingo baseball. pickles cure hangovers.
A girl pulled up next to me at a stoplight just now, looked around for a second, and then changed her top, bra and all, before the light turned green. New. Hero.
I drove your lawn mower home. Hope you don't need it tonight. I'll bring it over tomorrow.
No more drinking with Em. She was on the ground so much she looked like she belongs in a lifealert commercial
did i make more ranch sandwiches last night
you had 4
I couldn't figure out what was more important, finishing the shot or putting out the fire on my leg.
I forgot that I'm high because of how high I am.
Randomize
