Just saw two girls doing a walk of shame together. Slut bonding at it's best.
So I have some interesting news. The pizza guy called the cops on me...
just looked in the mirror, I fell asleep with a face mask on. At least drunk me cares that much about the condition of my skin
haha the sad thing is i can't decide whats worse. the fact that you're drunk judging a science fair or the fact that i'm really proud of you for it.
I was just about to send a concerned text until I opened my door and saw a shopping cart. I'm glad you made it home in one piece and with toys.
Hurricane Sex Time is the only thing iv said since it started.
Hangover or death. Death. I'll have a slice of death please.
My arms are still sore. Apparently, lube wrestling is the best workout ever.
Don't they also have a lot of serious head injuries?
I didn't say I wanted to marry one of them. Or that I want one to perform surgery on me. I just want to have hot, dirty, MMA style sex.
I'm pretty sure I said "this might be the last time I'm in here" but then I took his pants off so that's a mixed message
I feel like a pile of chihuahua shit that got eaten by a Great Dane who puked it up and then set it on fire.
How do you forget making out with a coworker in the dressing room at Sears on more than one occasion?
...object impermanence?
The day I let him eat me out will be the day that Donald trump is an honest, kind, non-bigoted member of society
You stumbled in the door as high as a kite, & ran into the table. I asked you if you were all right. You replied with "I don't have any soup."
I feel really sorry for my toilet right now
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