guess where i woke up this morning? If you guessed the hospital, you sir are correct.
from now on when you get up to pee in the middle of the night, check to see if im sleeping in your parking lot.
i do.
I get drunk and say inappropriate things... you get drunk and sleep with inappropriate people. it's what we do.
Sitting here wishing there were men in my life.
me too. too bad ive decided to fill that hole with cookie dough, closing the door to future men one fat cell at a time.
It's a self-perpetuating puke chain.
She is ok w me having sex for money. Just gotta find rich grandmas.
i need to start using my dry humping skills. i was dry humping champion in 7th grade
You're like my zumba instructor for alcoholism right now
I don't know what possessed you to do that, but you have to give the stripper more money before you try to check her oil or they are going to throw us out every time you do that.
I will give you 100$, a blow job a day for a month and I will shave my legs according to societal standards until next November if you come recuse me from my night class right NOW.
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
Sorry for the milk in the bathroom. I was washing mace out of the one security guys eyes
If I win the lottery I'm going to hire someone to skywrite "FUCKTARD" over his house. That much anger.
EX BOYFRIEND'S TWINS WERE BORN TODAY. THIS CALLS FOR A MARG.
Is it weird I can only picture you in my heels naked?
Be proud; I'm a versatile boyfriend
Randomize
