I am spending my child support on dildos
Dude I pulled down his pants and he already had a condom on
Be here at 3:30. We'll find out how much beer can fit in a Mini Cooper.
about to get into a hot tub with three cops. this cant go well
Ya well my good-girl image was pretty much blown when he found out I'm going to jail soon.
Your excessive judging is making this uncomfortable
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
I totally forgot about finals week. im the worst adderall salesman ever.
Is it bad I'm drunk at orientation
You've been there for 12 hours, what are you supposed to be doing
Not be drunk
I just had sex with the male version of myself. looks, mindset, even our boob to dick ratio was the same
He jizzed all over my ID badge. HR is gonna be pissed...
The fake number she gave me was for Pappa John's. Now I have a large pepperoni on the way.
Thanks for being my pregnancy scare Sherpa...
How don't you remember..? You were getting handfuls of skittles out from our bra screaming TASTE THE RAINBOW.
as i was trying not to drunkingly fall off her toliet, i noticed her socks laying there. i quickly grabbed them, ran upstairs, and excitingly asked her if she had gotten them at sams club. she replied with, "...those are your socks."
Randomize
