I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
On blowjobs: "If you decide to go there, you finish the job. No complaining." I don't care if it sounds like she's talking about Iraq, I'm in love.
I wish i could tell a story about guys I know without the phrase "and then I blew him." coming up.
I need to surround myself with more reliable stoners...
I'm gonna have bed sores at the end of this hangover.
I may or may not have just visibly given him head in front of three young children and their mom. They all looked mortified.
I think we should make a list of challenges so that when stuff like that happens, we can check it off. Like a scavenger hunt for hoes.
Woke up in the front yard with a chalupa and a firecracker in my back pocket. It's what the founding fathers would want
At the same time that I bought plan b I got some Girl Scout cookies too. It's not a total loss for you.
I spilled beer everywhere which led to an oil fire and me melting a spatula again. And then I was late to class so I explained what happened to the teacher.
Seriously. Are we going out tonight? If we're not, I'm going to put on sweatpants and do drugs.
Sorry I wore your bra during sex last night
I'm trying to behave my vagina this week so I can at least pretend I'm honoring the sanctity of marriage
Let's get drunk and take out your tonsils tonight
I hate when he takes the condom off to cum all over me. It defeats the purpose.
It’s like having a barf bag and choosing to puke in your own lap.
I managed to convince her that the egg yolks were actually orange juice and she fell for it
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