shes the kind of girl i dont like to talk to unless my penis is in her mouth.
I just pulled a feather out of my vagina.
I am not joking.
My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
All the walks of shame were condensed into the hour before parents started showing up. Move out day is so bittersweet
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
You insisted on drinking champagne out of the dog bowl
I wonder if they have a "21st birthday" section in the hospital..
His balls looked like two miss shaped chicken nuggets
Captain Morgan didnt let me down when i stand up it feels like the world is trying to hand me rainbows.
And now you understand the importance of Saturday naps.
Because you stay up all night having sex and eating sushi?
He's mad at me because I said I wouldn't date him if his dick was smaller. I fail to see the issue
Thanks to you I just drunkenly spot washed a Star Wars hoodie, at midnight on a Friday. If there is a greater level of nerdiness I do not know of its existence
Thanks a lot dude. I'm grateful to you for your gift of pure piss.
Thank god you don't know my other address I'm safe for now
Awww you know you would like it if I found u
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