never have i ever had a craving for dick this badly
new hobby: convincing random sorority girls around campus that we hooked up last weekend. i'm 2 for 5.
you said candy land and then passed out.
ps. we found your stash in the candyland game. Thanks.
Did you see the video of me eating a marshmellow on fire?
There is pretty much a target on everyone's lips when I am drunk. EVERYONE
I wish my bank account would intervene on my life choices.. $200+ in alcohol in 2 weeks and a $40 McDonald's bill is a cry for help.
I sent dad a photo of my graduation certificate from drug therapy class. It was his birthday so it seemed appropriate.
Jäger goes great with personal crises and receding morals...
moral of the story: if your going to mix ambien and free skyclub alcohol, take a direct flight or have a layover in a city you wouldn't mind having to return to for a court date.
You know you turned your life around when your drunk eating salad at 3 am on a Friday night
I got a hand job after work. Remember those? From the 90s...
chicken nuggets make me a bit homicidal
I mean, I'm not upset that HE's getting married, I'm upset his penis has to go through with it by default
Don't forget to grab a pregnancy test and sloppy joe mix for tonight
Turns out tits aren't quite as effective an enticement when they know for a fact that they can't touch.
Randomize
