Words of wisdom-never eat a peanut-butter covered banana on a construction site ever again
Please tell me its not ok to love a 17 year old....no matter how hot he is and how sexy his eyebrow ring is oh lord
i am about to cut my stepbrother's hair into a mohawk with the same clippers i use to trim my pubes. god is so on my side today.
Babe when I told you that you needed to grow up I didn't mean get drunk and sponsor 8 African kids.
I don't know if I should be scared or excited that I can officially drink vodka on the rocks like it's 7up.
If you like her enough, bring her with. If not, eloquently cunt punt that bitch through the field goals of life.
You call it a hangover, I call it a baby squirrel burrowing its way out of my head.
Bring condoms and burritos. The rest will fall into place
My bar tender texts me around 5ish and ask what I feel like, so it's ready for me when I get home. All star service.
Dude. You are the LAST person that should live above a bar.
Did you leave ur panties in the sink?
Kitchen or bathroom?
I think I fell asleep on the dance floor at one point...but played it off cool and acted like I just did the robot.
THIS MOTHERFUCKING ROOSTER
IT KEEPS CHASING ME BACK IN THE HOUSE
FUCK THIS BIRD
Broke my ankle and blacked out on my scooter last night. 'Twas grand.
If you're doing something that makes your best friend lock you in a bathroom you shouldn't be doing it
As long as it's more "this is where i see an issue" vs "psst.... tiddies" then i have no argument
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