The bar is so dead the tender gave us free shots for staying. They mixed 2pac and phil collins. That's worth at least three shots.
I have to tell you about my conversation with the cloud dragon!
there's a girl in the library on mysapce. she must have missed the memo.
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
Why is your ex naked in my apartment?
I just heard your voicemail. Glad you like my dick and think I'm cool
At one point she whispered in my ear "I overdrew my bank account today" but besides that it was an awesome lap dance
I have a cat for love and a booty call for sex. What else could I need?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My joke about liking my coffee like I like my men IS ABOUT TO COME TRUE.
Sara can't come to the phone right now. She's currently having an in-depth conversation with a flower pot.
The day I let him eat me out will be the day that Donald trump is an honest, kind, non-bigoted member of society
I just want to meet a nice normal guy that doesn't want me to taze him while we have sex. . . . .is that too much to ask for?
Got my period and a UTI on the same day. Fuck you, Sunday.
on a scale from 1 to "can't put a toothbrush in your mouth without gagging" how hungover are you?
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