I just told someone i was in "addition and subtraction 160".......and they believed me.
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
but he used his one phone call to call mom and wish her happy mothers day, that's gotta count for somethin
I think the fact that my first kiss is now in a porno says a lot about why my life is the way it is
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We were making out when she went into convulsions. At least now I know she's allergic to peanuts.
I think it might be brain cancer. Hangovers can't be this bad
He warned me he may piss the bed. I'm oddly okay with this.
Apparently I promised a worker at La Siesta free English lessons to make up for vomming all over the little Mariachi band.
As if me making pizza in a skillet wasn't enough proof that I was in no state to be cooking, this burn blister on my hand is
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rolling absolute tits, turn on the red lights for when i get home.
You always have that cute deer in the headlights look. Thats what made showing you my penis for the first time so disconcerting.
You need to let him know my only agenda is coke and sadness.
I worked so hard to shave everything last night. EVERYTHING. He WILL be answering my phone calls. Otherwise he's passing up awesome random birthday sex.
where are my pants?
in the oven.
THERE ARE LEGITLY 4 SEPARATE BITE MARKS ON MY DICK. WHAT. THE. FUCK.
Legitimately*
Go fuck yourself
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