Phrase i just heard while watching the U.S. open: "Boy they have really trimmed it well, this has got to be the tightest hole in the Open."
I hid a 6pack in the microwave for later
I knew I liked you
i just peed in a port a potty and wiped with my credit card statement. fuck yeah!
I'm at a party watching some dude try to eat a whole package of Oreos in 5 minutes.
Any night you end up on the couch next to the trash can with a bag of white wine on your head is a rough night.
you were sat in the corner crying until someone gave you a baguette, which you then tried to feed to the duck doorstop.
I regret nothing
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
Your list of "good ideas" thumbtacked to the lampshade last night consisted of nothing but "tampon-pen" with a note indicating that girls could then always have something to write with, even naked.
As we were passing the joint around, people were dunking Jenga pieces in Vaseline and sticking them to the window. I also smoked weed with a girl that was in an above the influence commercial.
So I just went to 3 different stores because there is no way I can walk out of one store with this many reeses and still have my pride.
Just got offered a dog by two Meth head's one of which wasn't wearing shoes and continually saying "fuck"
there’s plenty of nice guys out there with good jobs and NO felonies!
Jamie's fucking a senior citizen and I'm eating chips and salsa in the shower at 2am, so whatever you're doing it can't be worse.
So I missed the eclipse because I was masturbating.
One can only be this extremely wet once a year and I feel like I'm bitch slapping god by not using this gift he has bestowed on me.
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