My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
is it weird that i feel like i won the break up because my status change got two comments and his got zero?
It was everywhere, it looked like he just took the leftovers and threw them around the bathroom... Festively...
Leaving ole miss girls house to go to the stripper girls house. Why did it take losing my job to start getting laid all the damn time?
please tell me i can get drunk off sparkling grape juice. even if you have to lie, please say yes.
He found my weave.. Think he'll still fuck me Friday? And how do I ask for it back?
ROOF CAVED IN, WE'RE GUNNA MAKE A WATERSLIDE
You're just mad because I look hotter in my mug shot than you do in yours
It was like coming out my mothers vagina again in slow motion
Pain in my heart, regret in my vagina
A man just squeezed past me in a tight space and said, "Excuse us."
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
Okay... I just said "preach it" to the pokemon theme song. I'm hammered.
I'm just wondering how Jon managed to get vomit ON THE CEILING?
So what if is hockey, you don’t turn down sex with a professional athlete. They work out all day and have amazing stamina. Your vagina will thank you!
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