You say "arrested with two drunk girls" like it's a bad thing....
my love horoscope just told me to "say it in frosting" should i take this literally?? i think yes.
had a convo with my professor before class while peeing... new level of awkward or a breakthrough in our relationship? i feel like there is no longer a professional boundary.
My mom said "I don't want to fund your drug problem" so she gave me a gift card to the book store. I now have a 420 page book on growing weed.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
...But it's not like we would be the first people to pay for an abortion with student loans and cell phone rebates.
He asked me "did you used to go to church" while we were having sex.
Can't talk right now. I'm doing tequila shots with my professor at some Mexican bar. That's how I prepare for finals.
Oh thank the gods of upholstery, i thought that was never coming out...
Can't trust a bar that doesn't have fireball
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm out of milk so I'm dunking my Oreos in Bailey's; this is my life now.
He's gone. He left a note but all it says is "Dear Neil" followed by a drawing of a hand flipping the bird in the direction of a butt.
Update on my sex life: my calves are sore from masturbating too much. It's a thing. Look it up.
If I don't wake up tomorrow you inherit my paycheck and can only spend it at cinnabon
Just had the biggest masturbatory crisis ever.
What does that mean?
Internet is down.
fell asleep while jerking off ln. woke up to my hand in my pants and my cat crawling all over me
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