I just woke up in the back of his van. Bring me a sunkist.
shes about as inviting as chlamydia
i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.
I thought he was joking about bailing you out until I saw the picture of you and the sheep in the morning paper. Were those my boots you had on it
I ride home in a shopping cart. Don't at like you aren't jealous.
And then the cop told me my court date was on 4/20. I said come onn u really gunna do me like that
There're making snowcones with the leftover vodka from last night. This is not the time to be making up excuses!
She had another shot and asked if I wanted to taste her tongue ring. Then I helped her pee.
No worries. It'll grow back. I mean, hey, my eyebrows grew back after he shaved them off. So it's all good.
When a man can't even pay attention to you when you're telling him about how big his penis is, there's something wrong
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
Well I checked the bush outside his apartment building this morning, and he wasn't there... So I knew he was home.
Clearly it doesn't get better with age. Just more sexual
She squirted. We were both surprised. I'm that good.
You ran up to my room. I was naked. You refused to leave without drugs. I love you.
Randomize
