I just sneezed and it tasted like taco bell.
Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
I think he'd cut a tree down for me. He's from North Dakota. That's something hot guys do there, right?
I just blew my nose and little bits of weed came out.
I lost count after the 4th body shot but I think I'm wearing at least 3 different peoples clothes.
Okay. But I hope it isn't expensive lingerie. Because I'm ripping it off Hulk Hogan style.
Oh god I just realized bird face had che Guevara tattooed on her upper arm. Deals off, readivised opinion
Well THAT'S the last time I buy beer and baby wipes in the same Walmart run ... just wanted to shout I USE THEM TO REMOVE MY MAKEUP, YOU ASSHOLES
DOGS JUST TOTALLY ATE THE FEATHERS OFF MY NIPPLE CLAMPS!!!
Sleeping in a car was not on my list of plans for the night.
Yes I did. Thanks. I was actually an hour and half early. I'm better at public transport than I thought. Guy behind me on the bus is also crying. We compared cry-snot. It was nice in a weird sad way.
This summer has already been like the best summer ever. FREEDOM IS AWESOME. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND GOD BLESS THE SINGLE LIFE.
I need to go home for the safety of everyone in a 10 mile radius, especially me
I should have known it wouldn’t work. Someone saved in her phone as “Subway Sex” called the week before the wedding
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