Lets go to the mall and pick up some fat chicks and take them out tonight so we can be the skinny friends
He finally told me that he's married. I guess it doesn't really matter.
I love family holidays its the only time when playing beer pong, and smoking hookah with my family isnt looked down upon
We got blackout for the alumni dinner, and then walked THROUGH the keynote speaker, managing to still say "excuse me".
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
you started keeping track of only every even numbered drink you had
so why are there three stressed gay men and a bowl of vomit in the smoke room?
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
I will pee on everything he values.
I had to talk to the cops at my front door in a bathrobe, with the buttplug still in.
At the end of the night i was really thirsty and tied to a bedpost
You know you gave a quality blow job when you have to ice your neck and jaw the next day.
I literally am filling up a victoria's secret bag with stuff that would give my parents a heart attack to hide in my roommates' room. This is being an adult when parents visit
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
I did not shave my legs to sit at home and diddle myself. He better wake the fuck up and put the fear of god in me!
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