What are you wearing to our high school reunion?
I don't know, What kind of dress says "I feel sorry for you people?"
Well the light went out so I was throwing up by candle light. Strange moment in my life.
I didn't sleep with her. I'm boycotting arizona and she's from phoenix.
all she had left on were here heels. phone five
I promise a much better performance tomorrow than last night my penis has a bed time
Just because you graduated a semester early, doesn't mean you can take a semester off of drinking. Sorry.
I have to be at work in a hour. Can you sufficiently fuck me in 35 minutes?
I can taunt you with whatever I want. Like batman and sex.
I have the most nasty and explicit wet dreams of my boss that I'm embarrassed to look him in the face. I'd be pregnant or promoted if he only knew
I told him if he ever gets a "wink" text from me after 10:00pm to assume I really mean "we should be hooking up by 2:30am"
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
Just realized I'm still chewing the same gum post blow job. This Stride shit really has everlasting flavor. They should totally have an ad campaign based on blow jobs.
Apparently I promised everyone at the party I'd partake in various winter sports with them..
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
Sorry I steam cleaned at 1:30 in the morning and that i'm such a drunk dumb child. On the bright side, my carpet has ever looked better.
Randomize
