chick flicks and taylor swift songs are like porn for desperate singles
I think I saw a glimmer of recognition, but she must not have been able to make me out through all of her whorishness.
I'm pretty sure my roommate has taken plan B more times than i've had sex. Not sure how that makes me feel.
I don't know what's worse, the fact that my parents own a sex swing or the fact that my little cousin was playing on it
Fastest blow job ever. Though it was probably a good thing since we were in front of my house.
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
The fact that I pulled something plastic out of my mouth after taking that shot is starting to concern me.
Bonus points if someone shits their pants. Only 1/2 bonus points if it's you
Bonus points are bonus points regardless
I was just informed that I have the perfect belly button for body shots... Best compliment ever.
I was jumping over your garbage can screaming "Im a snow cat!!" ..Who wouldn't want to see that?
Are you high?
The snorkel mask makes that pretty clear
and then you called me a third time and yelled that you were stealing a puppy named Willow
The sex was so good I feel like I could run a triathlon, hit big at the casino, and defeat ISIS.
we had to follow your trail of clothes to find you.......
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
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