What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
I'm at this poker game and this kid to my left is bragging about all the chicks he hits including a "playboy model" when all of a sudden this 22 guy looks him in the eye and says "ever fuck a 70 woman. The things they can and are willing to do" Next think the whole table is quiet for an hour. That guys my hero...
Our cab driver just admitted to beating up kids in the 60's who didn't smoke pot...
she was wide awake when they drew a treasure map on her face the she passed out and they played like 7 games of tic tac toe haaa how was your new years
I just had a flashback of 4:30am: me hugging the toilet bowl and you handing me a jar of pickles to open. There is something seriously wrong with us.
His rich uncle has six months to live. I feel pregnant.
Dude next time u fuck on our counters will u please let me know BEFORE I make lunch.
oh, so if i go friday and she's there, you are going to be my sponsor for not banging the crazy chick
I have 3 texts in my phone that say "Thanks King Tyler". I think I've successfully drank myself into a monarchy.
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
Random one night stand with a guy that had a USA tattoo on his ass. Can't possibly get more American than that
I know I say this every year but 2015 will be the year I finally have sex with David's sister
EVEN AFTER ALL THAT COMPLAINING... STILL NO PENIS
condom fairy costume came in handy...we were making out in my living room and he wanted it so i took a condom off the costume and we did it right there...with my tutu still on....
I didn't expect the hobit to have that much sexual tension.
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