mowing the lawn. still drunk. If my dad doesn't appreciate this I swear I'm dissowning everyone including him
Are you still at the party or did I leave?
i just did the math...im a product of my mothers birthday sex
i offered her breakfast shots. she politely declined.
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Sudden memory flashback: drunk me outside ripping my tampon out and throwing it into the neighbors yard, silently cheering 'time for sexxxx'. I sense a dangerous pattern emerging
You decided that walking wasn't in the cards for you anymore
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
I woke up naked on my couch playing a video game I thought I had dreamed about... oh yeah, and someone cut my hair.
Just check with her if girls can get blown, that's all.
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P.s. I loved that your balls smelled like coconut
How did you end up breaking into that laundromat at 3am? I saw the snapchat but like..... How?
So who left their underwear on a lamppost in my aunt's backyard
I just want him to get into an accident where he's horribly disfigured but otherwise fine so he's not so freaking handsome
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
Remember the guy with the pretty voice that gave us crabs?
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