he looks like a really good dad on facebook
So for Valentine's Day...I finally swallowed. I feel like I earned that steak.
i was getting a blow-job tonight in the mens bathroom of a bar and the bouncer comes in and says "bro i don't mean to cock block but you cant do that here."
Hey sis... Don't forget moms day is this sun. And don't get her another gift while you are freakin high this time. The vibrator was embarrassing.
FYI the vibrator was a SUCCESS. She was in a much better mood this last year. Maybe you should get high this time and get a great gift
He made me a "booty call of the year" award.
We decided to play beer pong where the loser had to beer bong a pitcher of beer...people just started losing on purpose. It was a bad idea.
I can't let him end my perfect streak. HE USED TO BE FAT
Some girl just walked passed me, said "fuck yeah!" and is now crawling up the stairs
He wants to buy me a drink to apologize for sending me a pic of his dick. Welcome to my life.
You in for a dick vacation?
YES, even though I have no idea what that means
No, and she still hasn't answered me...I get a whole series of text messages about Guatemalan anal bleaching but no fucking answer to my question.
He just didn't want his drunk dick pulled out of his windbreaker at the family party
I have to hand it to her. In my heyday I took home the 'biggest shitshow of the night' award 9 times out of 10. But I passed the torch on to her last night, and she went skipping merrily far and away with it into the enchanted world of aggressive alcoholism. Is this 30?
2017 is my year to realize stuff. Move over Kylie Jenner
I bought a machete, tennis balls, and matches. How is this NOT going to be a great night?
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