Come on... In this relationship-economy, you gotta have "awesome blowjobs" on your resume.
She was so adorably desperate I didn't have the heart to tell her I wasn't a lesbian. So now She's making waffles, may switch teams over this.
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
Two penises later: I might be straighter than I think.
The guy in the cast riped the tap off the keg and hit steve with it
He tried eating fireworks, to stop him being hungover in the morning. Where do you keep finding these people?!
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
Expect nothing less than me teaching them how to do shots and put condoms on
I thought my period ended but I felt it again as soon as Pitbull started playing
Lmao I should put that ad on Craigslist "in need of muscular and determined team of men to carry drunken birthday whore safely home"
Look at the picture I MADE him take with me...like why??? He's holding my foot?
Can I tell you that I just incorporated the spice girls in my sexting and you not judge me
Hungover. No words. Just memes.
I mean, if you want to light yourself on fire for maximum accuracy, far be it from me to stop you
OMG I accidentally abducted a cat. Now there is a cat in my apartment. I NEED TO UNDO WHAT I HAVE DONE
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