This girl told me I had the balls of an infant..I replied by saying her vagina looks like Stargate.
you told him you liked to chip your nail polish to look like different countries. im gonna guess that no, you didn't sleep with him.
my desire to fuck abstract ideas (bravery, love, popsicls,,) increases by 8bajillion% when I'm high
Is it possible to make a milkshake in a martini shaker or am I gonna need a blender?
it was really awkward..i thought he had two dicks, but later realized it was jsut his roommate
So not only did team sweden fail to particpate in any drinking game but i also found puke in my viking helmet this morning.
they lined up to high five me when i got taken out by the stretcher. The paramedic high fived them too
In light of your oncoming completion of twenty-three years of personhood, I feel a pressing need to blast country-pop phenomenon Taylor Swift's hit single "22" in your general direction until midnight.
I don't need you anyway! I have puppies and booze!
I just swallowed some ecstasy stuck in my nose from last night. Work should be interesting.
do i respond to the booty call for the guy with the bigger dick or the one who has the gourmet coffee i like so much? at this point i'm leading toward the coffee
Girl this is ridiculous I told my self that I would stop having sex in stairwells yet it keeps happening
You sat on me. Like I was a toilet. While I was on the toilet. You peed a little.
Why the fuck is there raw bacon in my bra. I don't even have a stove.
she was sitting on the toilet asking for me to take a "cute facebook profile picture" for her
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