Apparently you make a good broom.
Shitting during a conference call is so empowering.
Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
I don't think the TSA agent thought getting iced while searching my bag was as funny as I did.
the spit in my mouth is still 99% not mine.
I'm not sure how exactly, but this funeral has turned into a ridiculous night of drinking games
Ya, found out why there were rat traps in my bed. Guess I pissed in Sams room so he went to the store and got them and put them on my bed and put tabasco in his humidifier and put it in my room
Today's work quote "if I looked like you, I'd be sitting on everyones face"
You'd be surprised at the stuff my vagina tells my brain to say
why is there a broken handcuff locked to the ceiling fan
Some guy in the bathroom just took his shirt off and proceeded to tell me the story behind all of his stab wounds. That's what I get for making small talk
I just had a very enlightening conversation with my hat. we need more of whatever the fuck that was.
And my parents said I crawled through the house
I'm not drinking for the rest of the week. I need discipline, celery, dick, and a bible.
Randomize
