I just wanna be some guy's midlife crisis
If God's watching us, we might as well be entertaining
I should just throw a hundred dollar bill into the wind and walk away... save myself the hangover.
You brought back some girl with you at 3am and introduced her to everyone as "hot pocket"
What's a "vodkaffle"?
It's where she puts vodka in the waffle mix.
What are you doing and how can I add sex in there
I felt so bad for you. Drunk Rachael wanted nothing more than to crawl into the cop car and give you a hug. Luckily Mollied/Barred out Rachael convinced Drunk Rachael this was a terrible idea. So I ran. I have your keys btw
I'm putting you on my Emergency card so i can spend the last ounce of strength in my hospital bed to flip you off.
I'm drunk filing my taxes in a bar on a Monday afternoon in a Regular Show onesie. I think I'm starting to get the hang of this whole adult thing.
I'm upset for all the future generations who can't drunkenly get cheesy bread
The last time the Patriots won the Super Bowl I lost my virginity. I can only imagine what'll happen if they win this year.
You should've seen the look on the guys face when I demanded pho and a beer the second they opened. Obviously he doesn't understand hangovers
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
She looked up and said "I like this." I asked "what do you like?" she said "penis."
His sisters are going to have a heyday finding all those condoms in their bunk beds.
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