I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
Is there a "Plan B" app for my iphone?
they had a keg party to fund her abortion.
you were eating the carrots out of my guinea pig's cage and saying that you needed them more than they ever would.
he just told me i make him happier than drugs. that's some serious shit right there
So there's dick imprints in the peanut butter
who knew that a girl that let me piss on her within 20 minutes of meeting her would get upset i couldn't remember her name.
No fireworks. Throwing the old microwave off the deck.
He answered his phone while he was eating me out and proceeded to yell at his wife for interrupting lunch...impressed or rock bottom?
This just spotted: a bagpiping Elmo on the street.
I've got your keys and your panties. You can have one back. Your play honeybuns.
Ok sry I left that ambiguous......did you want contact solution or fellatio?
If I don't answer right away it's because I took an Adderall and the fridge needs cleaned.
I seriously thought Satan had his hand up my asshole and was pulling out my soul. Never. Again.
I was taking a nap and she comes in wo/ pants, gets up on the bed and mounts my face while watching Weeds on Netflix. I'm okay with it, but at least let me wake up first.
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