You just took 4 shots. 2 of them were maple syrup.
I just spent twenty minutes with brandons dad explaining why head isnt typically considered sex...can we say awkward?
Did you spray paint that captain morgan fifth that's in the freezer gold?
But don't worry I didn't actually get stitches, although according to the health center I probably should have
I am wrecking havoc on the skinny girls by going home with the big one. She is taking me to see her dog now.
winnie the pooh came out of nowhere and offered me a burrito...it was a fucking amazing burrito.
He just showed up. He's like 5'8 and brought a beer pong table that has " I love gay boys" on it. How could this go wrong
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
That dude with the beard walked up to me, turned my water into wine with everclear and kool-aid, and walked away. Pretty sure drunk Jesus is back.
Just went over my top ten highlight reel with that guy I'm fucking. It was like we were sports announcers. But about sex.
I did cocaine off my boobs last night. Then I wrote two essays and went on a run. Go me
STOP HOOKING UP WITH SOCCER MOMS! YOU ARE RUINING MY REPUTATION!
Long story short I ended up getting choked out by a really hot guy in the girls bathroom at a bar last night
i just cleaned my bong... I do not feel healthy
A guy in a chewbacca suit just came up to me and asked me to buy him weed.
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